c***@gmail.com
2015-04-04 18:08:54 UTC
I felt a little bored on the weekend, and while they doctors were
The Bridge over the River Wye
You can see by reading this that as early as 1962, Mr Milligan was
into recycling. Recycling gags, that is.
So here it is in all its magnificant glory, tarnished only in the
places I could not make out what was said.
Corrections and small unmarked denominations of stable currency are
welcome.
Russell
========== CUTTING HERE COULD DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH ==========
The Bridge on the River Wye
---------------------------
Side One
========
Major Barbara: Don't press that plunger
Eccles: Eh?
Barbara: You can't press that plunger
Eccles: Yes I can
Barbara: No you can't
Eccles: Yes I can
Barbara: No you can't
Eccles (becoming more insistent): Yes I can!
Barbara (breaking into ``Anything you can do'' style): No you can't! No
you can't! No you caaaan't!
f/x: explosion, followed by a bridge and train falling a river
Eccles (triumphantly): Yes I caaan!!
orches: music. oriental. movie theme type, fading out to
Narrator: We present ``The Bridge Over The River Wye''. Subsequently, the
lawsuit over the River Wye, and finally Ministry of Hygiene Annual report
on the River Wye.
American Announcer: You saw the film, you read the book. Now feel the
suit as you heard it on the new wide stereophonic phonograph. Here it is,
as nature never intended.
English Twit: By sitting on both sides of the room you can hear the full
range of wilton carpets and wrinkled strim.
Orches: dramatic music bursting up, fading for
Narrator: This is the story of brave men who volunteered to act these
parts for money alone.
Orches: up again
Narrator: It was 1962 in England, but still only 1943 in Japan. Such was
the great difference in teeth between these two great religions. ...
f/x: (under this) men marching
Narrator: ... one day about midday the island of Singapore fell under the
auctioneer's mallet of the Japanese army.
f/x: bird sounds under...
Barbara: Yes --- it was most unexpected. We gave as good as we got. BANG!
We went --- bang. But it was no good. They said it first.
???: That was Major Barbara. When things were getting tough, we rallied
us around the white flag.
Barbara: Rather than surrender, we gave ourselves up.
Irish Private: From Singapore we marched 800 miles to a Japanese prisoner
of war camp.
Barbara: Yes. Penetrating deep into enemy territory. Unarmed as well.
f/x: men marching and whistling, fading
American Lieutenant: My name is Mr Coden. When the war came I changed it to
Lieutenant Coden --- it was cosier. I was serving under President Kennedy
on board his yacht when we were sunk. I found some water and I swam for it.
Kennedy said he would stick around until the papers got the whole story. I
was picked up by a Jap patrol vessel and was taken to the prison camp of
????. I was there that morning when Major Barbara bought his men in.
f/x: men marching and whistling again
Coden: Hey Doc, look, look over here
Doc: Yeh! I wonder where they are from
Coden: What's all this marching in step?
Doc: Oh its the tradition in the British Army. For instance, you know
that the Brigade of Guards never accepts a man under 6 foot?
Coden: Why not?
Doc: Not worth digging him up.
Barbara: Company halt
f/x: marching stops
Barbara: Lieutenant English? You can halt as well. If you so desire.
English: Thank you, sir. Terribly kind of you to halt me privately.
General Itchikutchi: ??? Now all listen. My name is General Itchikutchi.
Frank J Itchikutchi --- commander of prisoner of war camp. You are all
here to work. All prisoner in camp work. Tomorrow, you all prisoner work
on build railway bridge of River Wye.
Barbara: Ahh when you say all plisoners work, I take it you don't mean
the officers.
General: All work. All prisoners work or go back to squalor.
Barbara: Perhaps you are aware of the Geneva Convention ruling on
officers.
General: Have not read book of Geneva Convention or seen film. You all
WORK!
Barbara: I refuse.
General: Then you will be shot.
Barbara: That's much more reasonable.
General: Count up to one, then fire. One. One quarter. One half. One
three quarter. Fire!
f/x: gun shots
Barbara: Suddenly General, I see it all your way.
Spike: (whispering) You said we would rather die than work
Barbara: (whispering) yes, yes. (aloud) General? If you shoot these
officers, they will hold it against you 'til the day they die. And
remember, England is still capable of sending a gum boot.
General: Very, very well. But I assure you we will change stubborn
prisoner's laundry. <gibberish>
f/x: sound of men being moved
Narrator: Sixty-eight thousand British officers were crammed into a small
hut two foot high by six and three-quarter inches wide.
English: I can't stand it any longer! No food! No water! No! I can't
stand it!
Barbara: Steady, Mr English. We've only been in here fourteen seconds.
English: I know --- but there is a limit to how much a man can stand.
f/x: knock on door
General: Please. Can I come in?
Barbara: Only if we come out
f/x: door opening
General: Ah. Major Barbarara. I have changed my mind, socks and
underwear. There is old Japanese proverb: when right knee of black wolf
wet with the rain of the north wind, front tooth of purple ??? will chew
left ear of green dragon. And green eye of yellow fox will see a purple
moon.
Barbara: Good
General: Ah --- it mean English Officers not work. Only privates work.
Barbara: For the next three days the Officers did nothing.
English: But we did it golly well, Sir
Barbara: We kept aloof and refused repeatedly to dance with Japanese
privates.
Spike: It wasn't easy.
American Announcer: The main body of British troops were set to work
building a bridge over the Wye. And I mean that mostly sincerely.
f/x: sound of workmen, metal being hammered etc under..
Private: (Peter Cook) Every morning we were up at 5 o'clock. No matter
what the time was, we was up at five.
Indian: We worked through the day, but all our thoughts were else where.
English: I wonder what the folks back home are doing
William Mate: We ain't doing anything, mate.
Throat: Mother
American Announcer: That might General Itchikutchi asked Major Barbara to
report to his billot, where he was to talk in the privacy of his own pants.
f/x: knock on door
General Itchikutchi: Is that you, Major Barbara
Barbara: I can't see --- its' rather dark out here
f/x: door opening
General Itchikutchi: Ahh please to come in
Barbara: Thank you. I hope you don't mind, I bought Captain Donaldson
the MO along in case he gets ill.
General Itchikutchi: Ahh. I have asked you here for a good reason
Barbara: Well I hope I can give you one
General Itchikutchi: Ahh. I have just received letter from Emperor ???.
He say Bridge over River Wye must be finished by April 1st.
Barbara: April 1st? What's today?
General Itchikutchi: April 14.
Barbara: It's not going to be easy. The next April the 1st is a year off.
f/x: sound of men marching coming up under this.
Doc: But if we were to go backwards, Sir, that way its only a fortnight
away. You understand.
Barbara: Oh yes. Good fellow. About turn!
f/x: about turn
Barbara: Yes look! There's April 1st behind that bush over there
April 1st: Yo hu!
Barbara: Hello. General, I think we might be able to accommodate you.
Doc: There is just one question, Sir. How long is this river?
General Itchikutchi: It is 6000 miles.
Barbara: And how wide?
General Itchikutchi: It 300 feet
Barbara: Then I suggest we build the bridge across it
Eccles: Ohh!!
orches: dramatic filling-in music
f/x: sounds of thunder, then rain and wind
American Announcer: On April 6, the monsoons came
English: And they could not have come at a worse time --- bang in the
middle of the rainy season.
Doc: This is going to hold up work on the bridge.
Coden: Ah! Here comes the old man --- I had better slip out of this dress.
Officer: Eyes front!
Barbara: At ease, gentlemen. I understand you all wanted to see me.
English: Yes Sir. The men want to know what your views are on escaping,
Sir.
Barbara: Escaping? Where from?
English: Here, Sir
Barbara: Escaping from here? Oh. Is it something I said?
English: Ah, well one of the men has already planned to make a break.
Barbara: Is he mad?
English: He has a certificate, sir
Barbara: It will mean certain death.
English: It is a death certificate, sir
Barbara: I see. Who is this man?
Eccles: It is me, my good man
Barbara: Well off you go, then
Eccles: All right
Barbara: Wait a moment. Wait one moment. I haven't seen you around this
camp before.
Eccles: I didn't know you cared.
Barbara: Where were you captured?
Eccles: Oh. I wasn't. I was sent here by the British Army.
Barbara: What's your name?
Eccles: Field Marshall Eccles
(whispered voices): ??? What? Fantastic! Typing error
Barbara: Umm, how did you obtain this rank, Sir
Eccles: I was baptized `Field Marshall Eccles'
Barbara: I've changed my mind about escape, Gentlemen. It is the duty of
every British soldier called Field Marshall Eccles to escape. Good luck
and here is a pound. If you ever get to London it might come in handy.
Eccles: Ta!
orches: dramatic chords
f/x: night jungle sounds, snoring
Coden: Here Eccles --- here Eccles are you awake?
Eccles: Yeah --- that's why I'm standing up? What's the time, Yankee
buddy?
Coden: Let's have a look at your wrist watch. Uh huh --- its midnight.
Eccles: Yeah! Its midnight. That's it is midnight.
Coden: Look --- I am going to make the break with you.
Eccles: Oh!
Coden: You go first and I'll follow
Eccles: When?
Coden: After the war
Eccles: Yeah but that's
Doc: Just a moment. If either of you get to the stage where you know
there is absolutely no hope...
Eccles: Yeah?
Doc: ... take one of these little black capsules.
Eccles: (swallow) Hmmm.. what are they, Doc?
Doc: Concentrated liciourse. They give a man something
Coden: Thanks Doc --- I will always remember you for this
Doc: Indeed you will. Well good luck chaps
Eccles: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!
f/x: feet running away
orches: dramatic chords, fading to...
Narrator: Both the American and the Field Marshall escaped. Except the
Field Marshall. He was recaptured, clubbed, thrown over a cliff in a
manner to which he was accustomed, strangled, struck on the knee and
severely repremanded with a mallet.
Eccles: It didn't hurt.
General Itchikutchi: Meantime, Greenwhich Mean Time work on and under
bridge continued
f/x: workmen sounds
General Itchikutchi: continued... continued... continued....
f/x: water sounds
Barbara: Ahh Sergeant Water?
Water: Sir
Barbara: You say the river bottom is sandy?
Water: Right Sir: The river bottom is sandy, sir
Barbara: Good. Have you any knowledge of trees?
Water: I was born in one, sir
Barbara: You see those wooden ones across the river?
Water: Personally, sir
Barbara: Think you could chop them down?
Water: Not from here, sir
Barbara: Well get Private Bricks --- he is a lumberjack
Water: I'm sorry sir. He's back down to ??, sir. Broken arm sir. Can't
chop down trees with a broken arm
Barbara: Couldn't he try an axe?
Eccles: Umm. Hello, Sir
Barbara: Field Marshall Eccles. How are you getting on as a sanitary
orderly?
Eccles: I want to speak to you about that. Since I have been doing that
job, the men make me sleep outside in the snow.
Barbara: Snow?? Snow in Burma?
Eccles: No Switzerland. That's where they make me go. By the way, any
news about that American fellow?
Coden: Don't worry, I made it. I'm safe.
Eccles: Where are you?
Coden: I am now in Solon, recovering from the treatment I received in a
British Military hospital. At this very moment I am in a jeep on my way
to report to a secret commando depo
f/x: jeep noises, screeching to a halt
Guard: May I see your permit, Sir?
Coden: there.
f/x: sound of papers shuffled
Guard: But this permit is for a dog, Sir
Coden: woof woof woof woof
Guard: Oh well it appears to be in order. You will find Colonel Hawkins
behind this knock
f/x: knock, door opening
Colonel Hawkins: Come in?
Coden: Lieutenant Coden reporting for duty, Sir
Hawkins: Oh yes, come in Lieutenant. Pull up a chair.
Coden: I'd rather stand, sir
Hawkins: Well stand on a chair then. We respect American traditions. This
is Brigadier Starting-Grope, MC and Pin. He started his career as Sophia
Lorren.
Brigadier Starting-Grope: [sounding suspiciously like Major Bloodnok --
ed] Yes it hasbeen a long hard climb, you know.
Coden: How do you do, Sir
Starting-Grope: Yes I do, yes I do sir. Look, you are familiar with the
prison camp at ???, aren't you?
Coden: Well sir I wouldn't say familiar, Sir -- just good friends.
SG: Look here --- according to British Intelligence and man called Tom.
The Japs are forcing allied troops to build a bridge over the Wye. We
intend to destroy it. Boom, thung, blat, kapul that or perhaps maybe
biff, bong, thud, crash --- one of those two combinations should prove
fatal.
Coden: But sir, this sounds like an all British affair. Why do you want
me, an American to go along?
SG: Why? Well its ahh, its going to be dangerous and if anyone gets killed
Coden: Yeah?
SG: We want it to be you
Coden: No sir. As much as I appreciate this honor, Sir -- I am a married
man, Sir.
SG: We can arrange a divorce
Coden: Sir I ... I love her
SG: So do I --- that's why I am sending you!
Coden: Is there something between you and my wife?
SG: Only the clothes we wear
Coden: Give me a fortnight to think it over
SG: Right --- two weeks later.
Coden: OK --- I'll go
SG: Good. You leave at dawn tonight. Good luck to you!
orches: more dramatic chords
orches: jazzy music
Coden: That night I couldn't sleep. I took four straight burbons, and a
small ??? of scotch. It was no good. At three in the morning I was still
wide eyed. It took out a sleeping pill, woke it up and swallowed it. It
was hot, so I stripped and lay on the floor, at which moment the officer
in charge of the club asked me to leave. Fancy that.
f/x: night noises. scraping and eating sounds
General Itchikutchi: Major, tonight I ask you to have dinner to discuss
progress on bridge.
Barbara: I never play cards, General. Having made my joke I will say that
work on the bridge is satisfactory. It's still standing, anyway. ... I
say, these are delicious. What are they?
General Itchikutchi: Chop sticks
Barbara: Beautifully cooked
General Itchikutchi: Now Major. It is three days to promised opening of
bridge. You think it will be ready?
Barbara: We shall do our best.
General Itchikutchi: Do your best?? Is that the best you can do??
Barbara: General there is an old English proverb, umm, I can't quite
remember it at the moment.
General Itchikutchi: BRIDGE MUST BE READY! Have promised Emperor. Must
not loose face
Barbara: I think you could well afford to loose that one
General Itchikutchi: You insult me. Please leave. Go! Keep Japan yellow!!
orches: dramatic music
Narrator: There will now be an interval. Ice creams are on sale on the
other side of this record.
orches: closing chords
Narrator: Thank you
Side Two
========
Narrator: And now part two of
f/x: gong
American Narrator: Bridge over the River Wye
orches: theme music
Narrator: With these chords ringing in his ears Major Barbara walked back
to his tent.
Barbara: I wonder how that American fellow got on
Coden: Yeah, what a co-incidence you should say that. At this very moment
I have just been parachuted into the jungle just 80 miles away.
Barbara: Oh good. Well don't worry --- I won't tell a sole.
Hawkins: Lieutenant Coden --- stop talking to that man 80 miles away
Coden: That's OK, Sir --- he's one of ours. And I mean that most sincerely.
Hawkins: Good. Now then according to British Intelligence April the 1st
is still three days away.
Coden: I don't know how you fellow got the information.
Hawkins: We captured a Japanese calander --- alive. Under pressure it
spoke. If you look at the map of thsi calander you'll see that we are
here on May the 28th. It means we're three days march from April the 1st.
Now transport --- U Bai Dung.
U Bai Dung: Greetings, sir
Hawkins: This is U Bai Dung, village headsman. He has arranged for ten
Brumese girls to help us carry supplies. We will carry the heavier stuff
like the piano.
Coden: What in hell do you want with a piano in the jungle?
Hawkins: Lieutenant Coden --- when you've been in the Army as long as I
have you'll realize the value of the piano in jungle warfare. It can be
pretty deadly.
U: ?? The women are all ready to go.
Hawkins: Good. Lieutenant Berk-Pounding come over here
BK: Yes, Sir?
Hawkins: Now you take the front and I'll take the back. It won't be long
before we spill a little Jap blood, yeh?
Coden: Major --- you've got ice in your veins.
Hawkins: I know and its damn cold in here. FORWARD!!
men: lifting sounds
orches: theme music
f/x: noises through jungle
Narrator: The raiding party set off, hacking their way through a wall of
impentratable jungle that ran each side of the arterial road.
Coden: For two days we continued through dense jungle. Finally, on the
third day we reached a dense plain. We made camp for the night.
f/x: camp making noises
Hawkins: We camp here 'til dawn. Put tents for the women and a three
storey mansion for me.
Coden: We are a little short of water, Sir.
Hawkins: Lieutenant Burk-Pounding?
BP: Yes, Sir?
Hawkins: How long can a human being go without water?
BP: Well Sir, ah Mark Antony has been without water for two thousand years.
Hawkins: But he is dead
BP: So --- it finally killed him.
Hawkins: Here --- swallow this little black capsule
f/x: swallow
Hawkins: U Bai Dung? Where are the Brumese girls?
U: They are bathing in the river, Sir
Hawkins: And where is the Brigader?
U: He is minding their clothes with a very large pair of binonculars
Hawkins: The swine! It was my turn for that ???
Girls: screams
Hawkins: What in blazes is that?
Soldier: Sir, sir! A Japanese patrol has spotted the women, Sir
Hawkins: What? We must get there before the ``Daily Mirror''
photographer. Or if you are American ``The Washington Catholic Bugle''.
Hurry!!
orches: theme music
f/x: water splashing
SG: Thank heavan you got here.
Hawkins: What about... what about the Brumese girls?
SG: You're too late --- they've dressed
Hawkins: Did the Japs see you with women?
SG: Yes
Hawkins: We've got to stop them before they get to the editor of
``Confidential''. Follow me.
Coden: We followed the six man Jap patrol and finally cornered them
inside their own uniforms.
Hawkins: They're behind that tree. Give them a burst
f/x: gun shots
Hawkins: Can't you fire that gun quieter? They might hear us killing them!
Coden: Sorry, Sir --- the volume control is stuck.
Hawkins: Then we will have to use *knives*. There is just one Jap left.
Lt Burk-Pounding?
BP: Oh? I've never used a knife before
Hawkins: You lie. I saw you eating peas of them at lunch.
BP: I'll try, Sir
orches: music
Coden: But when it came to the test, Lt Burk-Pounding turned chicken.
BP: chicken noises
BP: I couldn't bring myself to kill with a knife. Thank heavans Major
Hawkins was there.
Hawkins: Yes, I sliced through the Jap's braces and he died of indecent
exposure.
BP: Thank you, Sir you saved my life.
Hawkins: We all make mistakes. But remember next time I might not be there.
BP: Oh? Where will you be, Sir
Hawkins: I...I will be in the corner of some foreign suit that is forever
England.
SG: Come along, let's get back lads. The women might still be bathing.
Coden: I'll hold your clothes, Sir
orches: music
f/x: audience laughter and clapping
Barbara: The bridge had finally and irrevokably completed. To celebrate
the men had organized a concert. It was a strange sight --- above us the
gray to yellow Burmese moon. Around us the jungle. Beneath us, the earth.
Seargant: Attention, please: Men? As you all know the bridge is complete.
f/x: raspberry
Eccles: Oh!
one man: Yeah!
Seargant: And here is the man who made it all possible. I give you Major
Barbara!
f/x: crowd whistles and raspberries
Barbara: Thank you, thank you, thank you Seargant Major. Now tomorrow the
first train will be passing over our bridge. The bridge that you built.
Built with your own hands and certain amount of wood. I've always said, as
you know, that burden(??) of the British soldier have fanarguled the most
thick-headed ganeals. And when Stanley Baldwin was on the throne it was a
scrim of neil. Third drange on the furgi-mi. Therefore you will all face
Buckingham Palace and surnge the National Anthem.
f/x: German national anthem
Hawkins: As they sang, we the raiding party a mile away heard the
singing. English soldiers singing.
Coden: Heh! That's the German national anthem.
Hawkins: You're wrong. When will you Americans learn? Its the English
anthem *disgused* as the German anthem. If the Japs heard ours, they
would capture it and play it behind bars. Now then, U Bai Dung?
BP: Only for the garden, sir?
Hawkins: U Bai? Have you got the ??? on the Jap sentries?
U: Yes Sir, we have observed the sentries on the bridge. They cross every
ten minutes and uncross ten minutes later.
Hawkins: The double crossing swines. We haven't much time. Lt Coden you
and Mr Burk-Pudding
BP: Pounding, Sir?
Hawkins: granted. Along with U Bai Dung will place the explosives on the
raft, swim down stream and place explosives on the supports. Any questions?
Coden: Yes, Sir. Brigader Starting-Grope, sir?
SG: Yes?
Coden: A request, sir. If anything happens to me, I want you to give this
to my wife, sir.
SG: A cheque book
Coden: (tearfully) she always wanted it
SG: Don't worry, lad I will get it to her, even if I have to cash every
check myself.
Coden: Thank you sir. OK --- let's go.
f/x: slash (three off)
U: So me and the white ones entered the river with the raft. By folding
our arms we swan in silence. The current went down stream. To be
sociable, we went along with it.
f/x: Big Ben
BP: As Big Ben struck one (three times) we reached the bridge and set
about the task. A task with a capital 'T' and a pretty good lunch too.
Coden: Heh! Don't talk so loud, the Japs will hear us.
BP: It's alright --- they don't understand English
Coden: Oh --- in that case we had better whisper in Japanese.
f/x: shhh...
U: The sentries are coming
f/x: foot steps
Japanese Sentry: Some gibberish, followed by a splash into the water
Coden: I wonder what was wrong with him?
Eccles: I gave him one of those black capsules
English: Field Marshall Eccles --- what are you doing in this river?
Eccles: I am not doing anything in it
English: Thank heavan it is still fit to drink. Now look here Eccles ---
you can play a vital part in all this. Now try and get your left leg up
your back, take this lead weight and place it behind your right ear and
insert ...
orches: music, dramatic chords
Narrator: Through the night the sabators worked on the bridge. A stone's
throw away on the opposite bank Major Hawkins waited. His face heavy with
concern.
f/x: jungle sounds
Native Girl: Is this what English call ``incompromising position''?
Hawkins: Uncomfortable, I would say. After all, if we were to be caught
now what would people say? Me halfway up a mango tree dressed as ????
and you down there bottling fruit in a plastic kilt? It would never do.
Native Girl: Let us dance
f/x: record playing
Hawkins: What a strange sight we make. Me and her tangoing through the
steaming jungle. The silence only broken by the crackling of knees.
Native Girl: I only had eyes for him. And he only had eyes for me
Hawkins: We fell over a cliff. Listen! I thought I heard a knock on the
jungle door.
f/x: knock
Hawkins: There! Come in, but keep your eyes above waste level.
Coden: Hey Major we've got it. And so are you by the look of it.
Hawkins: Tell me all, Lt.
Coden: The charges are at the base of the bridge. Behind a rock on the
far bank, Field Marshall Eccles is waiting to press the plunger.
Hawkins: Splendid --- stand by with a sack of purple hearts.
U: Look, san --- the sun is rising
Hawkins: I say --- that's worth knowing. Hand my binoculars. Hello --- I
can see Major Barbara and his ???? walking under the bridge.
English??: Well Sir, in ten minutes the first train will be going over.
Barbara: Forty years as a soldier and this bridge is the first really
important thing I've ever done. That's war, I suppose.
General Itchikutchi: Ahh -- good morning, gentlemen. You are both up very
early this morning.
Barbara: Yes, General. There's an old English proverb --- the early bird
catches the worm.
General Itchikutchi: What it mean?
Barbara: It mean, General --- we had worms for breakfast.
f/x: train approaching
General Itchikutchi: Oh! Listen! Oh joy! Listen. it is first Japanese
puff-puff coming for cross bridge. Must go and change into honorable
station master kit. Oh boy! ...
English??: Strange people these Japs, I must say...
Barbara: look --- there just above the water level --- a cable.
English: I wonder who it is from?
Barbara: More to the point ---- who is it for? Let's go down and have a
look.
f/x: footsteps
Hawkins: From our side of the river we watched him.
Coden: He's spotted the cable.
Hawkins: He's got eyes like a hawk.
Coden: And legs like a kangaroo. I wonder what he is going to do?
BP: Join a freak show, sir?
Coden: If he follows that cable he is going to discover Eccles
Hawkins: And the game would be up. We've got to stop him.
Coden: It would mean certain death. We'll draw for it. Lt Burk-Pounding
BP: Sir?
Coden: Write your name on four slips of paper and put them in a hat.
f/x: typewriter
BP: There you are, SIr ---- top and three copies
Hawkins: You --- you draw first
f/x: paper opening
Hawkins: Well, what's the name?
BP: Mrs Shallot Groins, 39 Strain Buildings
Hawkins: We can't send you --- she might make a muck of it. No I'll go. If I
could succeed it would shorten the war by three foot six inches.
BP: Major --- I admire your guts
Hawkins: Are they showing?
Coden: Heh, I'll come with you
Hawkins: Right -- Lt Burk-Pounding, get onto the friendly insurance and
see if you can get a temporary cover note for us.
f/x: splash (two off)
orches: dramatic chords
Barbara: Yes I was right --- there we are. It goes from behind that
rock, three o'clock from that tree.
???: Oh yes --- three o'clock rock. SIr? There's something behind it.
Eccles: Hello Sir.
Barbara: What are you doing here, Field Marshall? Why have you left your
post?
Eccles: It had wood worm in it
f/x: train noises approaching
Eccles: I had better stand by the plunger now
Barbara: Plunger, what plunger?
Eccles: Behind that rock. When the Jap train comes over BOOM!
Barbara: Boom?
Eccles: Yeah
Barbara: You mustn't press it, Field Marshall Eccles
Eccles: I got to
Barbara: If you blow up that bridge the train carrying ammunition and a
thousand Jap troops will explode. Somebody might get hurt.
Eccles: Whose side are you on?
Barbara: A small vegetable shop in Leeds. Now listen. You can't press
that plunger.
Eccles: Yes I can.
Barbara: You can't press that plunger
Eccles: Yes I can
Barbara: No you can't
Eccles: Yes I can
Barbara: No you can't
Eccles (becoming more insistent): Yes I can!
Barbara (breaking into ``Anything you can do'' style): No you can't! No
you can't! No you caaaan't!
f/x: explosion, followed by a bridge and train collasping a river
Eccles (triumphantly): Yes I caaan!!
orches: theme music.
Narrator: And that's how it all ended. Major Barbara shot by Lt Coden, Lt
Coden shot by the Japs, the Japs shot by Major Hawkins, and Major Hawkins
killed by a falling train. The falling train shot by Major Barbara, Major
Barbara shot by Lt Coden.
Hawkins: And to make matters worse, it was half day early closing
orches: play out
The Bridge over the River Wye
You can see by reading this that as early as 1962, Mr Milligan was
into recycling. Recycling gags, that is.
So here it is in all its magnificant glory, tarnished only in the
places I could not make out what was said.
Corrections and small unmarked denominations of stable currency are
welcome.
Russell
========== CUTTING HERE COULD DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH ==========
The Bridge on the River Wye
---------------------------
Side One
========
Major Barbara: Don't press that plunger
Eccles: Eh?
Barbara: You can't press that plunger
Eccles: Yes I can
Barbara: No you can't
Eccles: Yes I can
Barbara: No you can't
Eccles (becoming more insistent): Yes I can!
Barbara (breaking into ``Anything you can do'' style): No you can't! No
you can't! No you caaaan't!
f/x: explosion, followed by a bridge and train falling a river
Eccles (triumphantly): Yes I caaan!!
orches: music. oriental. movie theme type, fading out to
Narrator: We present ``The Bridge Over The River Wye''. Subsequently, the
lawsuit over the River Wye, and finally Ministry of Hygiene Annual report
on the River Wye.
American Announcer: You saw the film, you read the book. Now feel the
suit as you heard it on the new wide stereophonic phonograph. Here it is,
as nature never intended.
English Twit: By sitting on both sides of the room you can hear the full
range of wilton carpets and wrinkled strim.
Orches: dramatic music bursting up, fading for
Narrator: This is the story of brave men who volunteered to act these
parts for money alone.
Orches: up again
Narrator: It was 1962 in England, but still only 1943 in Japan. Such was
the great difference in teeth between these two great religions. ...
f/x: (under this) men marching
Narrator: ... one day about midday the island of Singapore fell under the
auctioneer's mallet of the Japanese army.
f/x: bird sounds under...
Barbara: Yes --- it was most unexpected. We gave as good as we got. BANG!
We went --- bang. But it was no good. They said it first.
???: That was Major Barbara. When things were getting tough, we rallied
us around the white flag.
Barbara: Rather than surrender, we gave ourselves up.
Irish Private: From Singapore we marched 800 miles to a Japanese prisoner
of war camp.
Barbara: Yes. Penetrating deep into enemy territory. Unarmed as well.
f/x: men marching and whistling, fading
American Lieutenant: My name is Mr Coden. When the war came I changed it to
Lieutenant Coden --- it was cosier. I was serving under President Kennedy
on board his yacht when we were sunk. I found some water and I swam for it.
Kennedy said he would stick around until the papers got the whole story. I
was picked up by a Jap patrol vessel and was taken to the prison camp of
????. I was there that morning when Major Barbara bought his men in.
f/x: men marching and whistling again
Coden: Hey Doc, look, look over here
Doc: Yeh! I wonder where they are from
Coden: What's all this marching in step?
Doc: Oh its the tradition in the British Army. For instance, you know
that the Brigade of Guards never accepts a man under 6 foot?
Coden: Why not?
Doc: Not worth digging him up.
Barbara: Company halt
f/x: marching stops
Barbara: Lieutenant English? You can halt as well. If you so desire.
English: Thank you, sir. Terribly kind of you to halt me privately.
General Itchikutchi: ??? Now all listen. My name is General Itchikutchi.
Frank J Itchikutchi --- commander of prisoner of war camp. You are all
here to work. All prisoner in camp work. Tomorrow, you all prisoner work
on build railway bridge of River Wye.
Barbara: Ahh when you say all plisoners work, I take it you don't mean
the officers.
General: All work. All prisoners work or go back to squalor.
Barbara: Perhaps you are aware of the Geneva Convention ruling on
officers.
General: Have not read book of Geneva Convention or seen film. You all
WORK!
Barbara: I refuse.
General: Then you will be shot.
Barbara: That's much more reasonable.
General: Count up to one, then fire. One. One quarter. One half. One
three quarter. Fire!
f/x: gun shots
Barbara: Suddenly General, I see it all your way.
Spike: (whispering) You said we would rather die than work
Barbara: (whispering) yes, yes. (aloud) General? If you shoot these
officers, they will hold it against you 'til the day they die. And
remember, England is still capable of sending a gum boot.
General: Very, very well. But I assure you we will change stubborn
prisoner's laundry. <gibberish>
f/x: sound of men being moved
Narrator: Sixty-eight thousand British officers were crammed into a small
hut two foot high by six and three-quarter inches wide.
English: I can't stand it any longer! No food! No water! No! I can't
stand it!
Barbara: Steady, Mr English. We've only been in here fourteen seconds.
English: I know --- but there is a limit to how much a man can stand.
f/x: knock on door
General: Please. Can I come in?
Barbara: Only if we come out
f/x: door opening
General: Ah. Major Barbarara. I have changed my mind, socks and
underwear. There is old Japanese proverb: when right knee of black wolf
wet with the rain of the north wind, front tooth of purple ??? will chew
left ear of green dragon. And green eye of yellow fox will see a purple
moon.
Barbara: Good
General: Ah --- it mean English Officers not work. Only privates work.
Barbara: For the next three days the Officers did nothing.
English: But we did it golly well, Sir
Barbara: We kept aloof and refused repeatedly to dance with Japanese
privates.
Spike: It wasn't easy.
American Announcer: The main body of British troops were set to work
building a bridge over the Wye. And I mean that mostly sincerely.
f/x: sound of workmen, metal being hammered etc under..
Private: (Peter Cook) Every morning we were up at 5 o'clock. No matter
what the time was, we was up at five.
Indian: We worked through the day, but all our thoughts were else where.
English: I wonder what the folks back home are doing
William Mate: We ain't doing anything, mate.
Throat: Mother
American Announcer: That might General Itchikutchi asked Major Barbara to
report to his billot, where he was to talk in the privacy of his own pants.
f/x: knock on door
General Itchikutchi: Is that you, Major Barbara
Barbara: I can't see --- its' rather dark out here
f/x: door opening
General Itchikutchi: Ahh please to come in
Barbara: Thank you. I hope you don't mind, I bought Captain Donaldson
the MO along in case he gets ill.
General Itchikutchi: Ahh. I have asked you here for a good reason
Barbara: Well I hope I can give you one
General Itchikutchi: Ahh. I have just received letter from Emperor ???.
He say Bridge over River Wye must be finished by April 1st.
Barbara: April 1st? What's today?
General Itchikutchi: April 14.
Barbara: It's not going to be easy. The next April the 1st is a year off.
f/x: sound of men marching coming up under this.
Doc: But if we were to go backwards, Sir, that way its only a fortnight
away. You understand.
Barbara: Oh yes. Good fellow. About turn!
f/x: about turn
Barbara: Yes look! There's April 1st behind that bush over there
April 1st: Yo hu!
Barbara: Hello. General, I think we might be able to accommodate you.
Doc: There is just one question, Sir. How long is this river?
General Itchikutchi: It is 6000 miles.
Barbara: And how wide?
General Itchikutchi: It 300 feet
Barbara: Then I suggest we build the bridge across it
Eccles: Ohh!!
orches: dramatic filling-in music
f/x: sounds of thunder, then rain and wind
American Announcer: On April 6, the monsoons came
English: And they could not have come at a worse time --- bang in the
middle of the rainy season.
Doc: This is going to hold up work on the bridge.
Coden: Ah! Here comes the old man --- I had better slip out of this dress.
Officer: Eyes front!
Barbara: At ease, gentlemen. I understand you all wanted to see me.
English: Yes Sir. The men want to know what your views are on escaping,
Sir.
Barbara: Escaping? Where from?
English: Here, Sir
Barbara: Escaping from here? Oh. Is it something I said?
English: Ah, well one of the men has already planned to make a break.
Barbara: Is he mad?
English: He has a certificate, sir
Barbara: It will mean certain death.
English: It is a death certificate, sir
Barbara: I see. Who is this man?
Eccles: It is me, my good man
Barbara: Well off you go, then
Eccles: All right
Barbara: Wait a moment. Wait one moment. I haven't seen you around this
camp before.
Eccles: I didn't know you cared.
Barbara: Where were you captured?
Eccles: Oh. I wasn't. I was sent here by the British Army.
Barbara: What's your name?
Eccles: Field Marshall Eccles
(whispered voices): ??? What? Fantastic! Typing error
Barbara: Umm, how did you obtain this rank, Sir
Eccles: I was baptized `Field Marshall Eccles'
Barbara: I've changed my mind about escape, Gentlemen. It is the duty of
every British soldier called Field Marshall Eccles to escape. Good luck
and here is a pound. If you ever get to London it might come in handy.
Eccles: Ta!
orches: dramatic chords
f/x: night jungle sounds, snoring
Coden: Here Eccles --- here Eccles are you awake?
Eccles: Yeah --- that's why I'm standing up? What's the time, Yankee
buddy?
Coden: Let's have a look at your wrist watch. Uh huh --- its midnight.
Eccles: Yeah! Its midnight. That's it is midnight.
Coden: Look --- I am going to make the break with you.
Eccles: Oh!
Coden: You go first and I'll follow
Eccles: When?
Coden: After the war
Eccles: Yeah but that's
Doc: Just a moment. If either of you get to the stage where you know
there is absolutely no hope...
Eccles: Yeah?
Doc: ... take one of these little black capsules.
Eccles: (swallow) Hmmm.. what are they, Doc?
Doc: Concentrated liciourse. They give a man something
Coden: Thanks Doc --- I will always remember you for this
Doc: Indeed you will. Well good luck chaps
Eccles: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!
f/x: feet running away
orches: dramatic chords, fading to...
Narrator: Both the American and the Field Marshall escaped. Except the
Field Marshall. He was recaptured, clubbed, thrown over a cliff in a
manner to which he was accustomed, strangled, struck on the knee and
severely repremanded with a mallet.
Eccles: It didn't hurt.
General Itchikutchi: Meantime, Greenwhich Mean Time work on and under
bridge continued
f/x: workmen sounds
General Itchikutchi: continued... continued... continued....
f/x: water sounds
Barbara: Ahh Sergeant Water?
Water: Sir
Barbara: You say the river bottom is sandy?
Water: Right Sir: The river bottom is sandy, sir
Barbara: Good. Have you any knowledge of trees?
Water: I was born in one, sir
Barbara: You see those wooden ones across the river?
Water: Personally, sir
Barbara: Think you could chop them down?
Water: Not from here, sir
Barbara: Well get Private Bricks --- he is a lumberjack
Water: I'm sorry sir. He's back down to ??, sir. Broken arm sir. Can't
chop down trees with a broken arm
Barbara: Couldn't he try an axe?
Eccles: Umm. Hello, Sir
Barbara: Field Marshall Eccles. How are you getting on as a sanitary
orderly?
Eccles: I want to speak to you about that. Since I have been doing that
job, the men make me sleep outside in the snow.
Barbara: Snow?? Snow in Burma?
Eccles: No Switzerland. That's where they make me go. By the way, any
news about that American fellow?
Coden: Don't worry, I made it. I'm safe.
Eccles: Where are you?
Coden: I am now in Solon, recovering from the treatment I received in a
British Military hospital. At this very moment I am in a jeep on my way
to report to a secret commando depo
f/x: jeep noises, screeching to a halt
Guard: May I see your permit, Sir?
Coden: there.
f/x: sound of papers shuffled
Guard: But this permit is for a dog, Sir
Coden: woof woof woof woof
Guard: Oh well it appears to be in order. You will find Colonel Hawkins
behind this knock
f/x: knock, door opening
Colonel Hawkins: Come in?
Coden: Lieutenant Coden reporting for duty, Sir
Hawkins: Oh yes, come in Lieutenant. Pull up a chair.
Coden: I'd rather stand, sir
Hawkins: Well stand on a chair then. We respect American traditions. This
is Brigadier Starting-Grope, MC and Pin. He started his career as Sophia
Lorren.
Brigadier Starting-Grope: [sounding suspiciously like Major Bloodnok --
ed] Yes it hasbeen a long hard climb, you know.
Coden: How do you do, Sir
Starting-Grope: Yes I do, yes I do sir. Look, you are familiar with the
prison camp at ???, aren't you?
Coden: Well sir I wouldn't say familiar, Sir -- just good friends.
SG: Look here --- according to British Intelligence and man called Tom.
The Japs are forcing allied troops to build a bridge over the Wye. We
intend to destroy it. Boom, thung, blat, kapul that or perhaps maybe
biff, bong, thud, crash --- one of those two combinations should prove
fatal.
Coden: But sir, this sounds like an all British affair. Why do you want
me, an American to go along?
SG: Why? Well its ahh, its going to be dangerous and if anyone gets killed
Coden: Yeah?
SG: We want it to be you
Coden: No sir. As much as I appreciate this honor, Sir -- I am a married
man, Sir.
SG: We can arrange a divorce
Coden: Sir I ... I love her
SG: So do I --- that's why I am sending you!
Coden: Is there something between you and my wife?
SG: Only the clothes we wear
Coden: Give me a fortnight to think it over
SG: Right --- two weeks later.
Coden: OK --- I'll go
SG: Good. You leave at dawn tonight. Good luck to you!
orches: more dramatic chords
orches: jazzy music
Coden: That night I couldn't sleep. I took four straight burbons, and a
small ??? of scotch. It was no good. At three in the morning I was still
wide eyed. It took out a sleeping pill, woke it up and swallowed it. It
was hot, so I stripped and lay on the floor, at which moment the officer
in charge of the club asked me to leave. Fancy that.
f/x: night noises. scraping and eating sounds
General Itchikutchi: Major, tonight I ask you to have dinner to discuss
progress on bridge.
Barbara: I never play cards, General. Having made my joke I will say that
work on the bridge is satisfactory. It's still standing, anyway. ... I
say, these are delicious. What are they?
General Itchikutchi: Chop sticks
Barbara: Beautifully cooked
General Itchikutchi: Now Major. It is three days to promised opening of
bridge. You think it will be ready?
Barbara: We shall do our best.
General Itchikutchi: Do your best?? Is that the best you can do??
Barbara: General there is an old English proverb, umm, I can't quite
remember it at the moment.
General Itchikutchi: BRIDGE MUST BE READY! Have promised Emperor. Must
not loose face
Barbara: I think you could well afford to loose that one
General Itchikutchi: You insult me. Please leave. Go! Keep Japan yellow!!
orches: dramatic music
Narrator: There will now be an interval. Ice creams are on sale on the
other side of this record.
orches: closing chords
Narrator: Thank you
Side Two
========
Narrator: And now part two of
f/x: gong
American Narrator: Bridge over the River Wye
orches: theme music
Narrator: With these chords ringing in his ears Major Barbara walked back
to his tent.
Barbara: I wonder how that American fellow got on
Coden: Yeah, what a co-incidence you should say that. At this very moment
I have just been parachuted into the jungle just 80 miles away.
Barbara: Oh good. Well don't worry --- I won't tell a sole.
Hawkins: Lieutenant Coden --- stop talking to that man 80 miles away
Coden: That's OK, Sir --- he's one of ours. And I mean that most sincerely.
Hawkins: Good. Now then according to British Intelligence April the 1st
is still three days away.
Coden: I don't know how you fellow got the information.
Hawkins: We captured a Japanese calander --- alive. Under pressure it
spoke. If you look at the map of thsi calander you'll see that we are
here on May the 28th. It means we're three days march from April the 1st.
Now transport --- U Bai Dung.
U Bai Dung: Greetings, sir
Hawkins: This is U Bai Dung, village headsman. He has arranged for ten
Brumese girls to help us carry supplies. We will carry the heavier stuff
like the piano.
Coden: What in hell do you want with a piano in the jungle?
Hawkins: Lieutenant Coden --- when you've been in the Army as long as I
have you'll realize the value of the piano in jungle warfare. It can be
pretty deadly.
U: ?? The women are all ready to go.
Hawkins: Good. Lieutenant Berk-Pounding come over here
BK: Yes, Sir?
Hawkins: Now you take the front and I'll take the back. It won't be long
before we spill a little Jap blood, yeh?
Coden: Major --- you've got ice in your veins.
Hawkins: I know and its damn cold in here. FORWARD!!
men: lifting sounds
orches: theme music
f/x: noises through jungle
Narrator: The raiding party set off, hacking their way through a wall of
impentratable jungle that ran each side of the arterial road.
Coden: For two days we continued through dense jungle. Finally, on the
third day we reached a dense plain. We made camp for the night.
f/x: camp making noises
Hawkins: We camp here 'til dawn. Put tents for the women and a three
storey mansion for me.
Coden: We are a little short of water, Sir.
Hawkins: Lieutenant Burk-Pounding?
BP: Yes, Sir?
Hawkins: How long can a human being go without water?
BP: Well Sir, ah Mark Antony has been without water for two thousand years.
Hawkins: But he is dead
BP: So --- it finally killed him.
Hawkins: Here --- swallow this little black capsule
f/x: swallow
Hawkins: U Bai Dung? Where are the Brumese girls?
U: They are bathing in the river, Sir
Hawkins: And where is the Brigader?
U: He is minding their clothes with a very large pair of binonculars
Hawkins: The swine! It was my turn for that ???
Girls: screams
Hawkins: What in blazes is that?
Soldier: Sir, sir! A Japanese patrol has spotted the women, Sir
Hawkins: What? We must get there before the ``Daily Mirror''
photographer. Or if you are American ``The Washington Catholic Bugle''.
Hurry!!
orches: theme music
f/x: water splashing
SG: Thank heavan you got here.
Hawkins: What about... what about the Brumese girls?
SG: You're too late --- they've dressed
Hawkins: Did the Japs see you with women?
SG: Yes
Hawkins: We've got to stop them before they get to the editor of
``Confidential''. Follow me.
Coden: We followed the six man Jap patrol and finally cornered them
inside their own uniforms.
Hawkins: They're behind that tree. Give them a burst
f/x: gun shots
Hawkins: Can't you fire that gun quieter? They might hear us killing them!
Coden: Sorry, Sir --- the volume control is stuck.
Hawkins: Then we will have to use *knives*. There is just one Jap left.
Lt Burk-Pounding?
BP: Oh? I've never used a knife before
Hawkins: You lie. I saw you eating peas of them at lunch.
BP: I'll try, Sir
orches: music
Coden: But when it came to the test, Lt Burk-Pounding turned chicken.
BP: chicken noises
BP: I couldn't bring myself to kill with a knife. Thank heavans Major
Hawkins was there.
Hawkins: Yes, I sliced through the Jap's braces and he died of indecent
exposure.
BP: Thank you, Sir you saved my life.
Hawkins: We all make mistakes. But remember next time I might not be there.
BP: Oh? Where will you be, Sir
Hawkins: I...I will be in the corner of some foreign suit that is forever
England.
SG: Come along, let's get back lads. The women might still be bathing.
Coden: I'll hold your clothes, Sir
orches: music
f/x: audience laughter and clapping
Barbara: The bridge had finally and irrevokably completed. To celebrate
the men had organized a concert. It was a strange sight --- above us the
gray to yellow Burmese moon. Around us the jungle. Beneath us, the earth.
Seargant: Attention, please: Men? As you all know the bridge is complete.
f/x: raspberry
Eccles: Oh!
one man: Yeah!
Seargant: And here is the man who made it all possible. I give you Major
Barbara!
f/x: crowd whistles and raspberries
Barbara: Thank you, thank you, thank you Seargant Major. Now tomorrow the
first train will be passing over our bridge. The bridge that you built.
Built with your own hands and certain amount of wood. I've always said, as
you know, that burden(??) of the British soldier have fanarguled the most
thick-headed ganeals. And when Stanley Baldwin was on the throne it was a
scrim of neil. Third drange on the furgi-mi. Therefore you will all face
Buckingham Palace and surnge the National Anthem.
f/x: German national anthem
Hawkins: As they sang, we the raiding party a mile away heard the
singing. English soldiers singing.
Coden: Heh! That's the German national anthem.
Hawkins: You're wrong. When will you Americans learn? Its the English
anthem *disgused* as the German anthem. If the Japs heard ours, they
would capture it and play it behind bars. Now then, U Bai Dung?
BP: Only for the garden, sir?
Hawkins: U Bai? Have you got the ??? on the Jap sentries?
U: Yes Sir, we have observed the sentries on the bridge. They cross every
ten minutes and uncross ten minutes later.
Hawkins: The double crossing swines. We haven't much time. Lt Coden you
and Mr Burk-Pudding
BP: Pounding, Sir?
Hawkins: granted. Along with U Bai Dung will place the explosives on the
raft, swim down stream and place explosives on the supports. Any questions?
Coden: Yes, Sir. Brigader Starting-Grope, sir?
SG: Yes?
Coden: A request, sir. If anything happens to me, I want you to give this
to my wife, sir.
SG: A cheque book
Coden: (tearfully) she always wanted it
SG: Don't worry, lad I will get it to her, even if I have to cash every
check myself.
Coden: Thank you sir. OK --- let's go.
f/x: slash (three off)
U: So me and the white ones entered the river with the raft. By folding
our arms we swan in silence. The current went down stream. To be
sociable, we went along with it.
f/x: Big Ben
BP: As Big Ben struck one (three times) we reached the bridge and set
about the task. A task with a capital 'T' and a pretty good lunch too.
Coden: Heh! Don't talk so loud, the Japs will hear us.
BP: It's alright --- they don't understand English
Coden: Oh --- in that case we had better whisper in Japanese.
f/x: shhh...
U: The sentries are coming
f/x: foot steps
Japanese Sentry: Some gibberish, followed by a splash into the water
Coden: I wonder what was wrong with him?
Eccles: I gave him one of those black capsules
English: Field Marshall Eccles --- what are you doing in this river?
Eccles: I am not doing anything in it
English: Thank heavan it is still fit to drink. Now look here Eccles ---
you can play a vital part in all this. Now try and get your left leg up
your back, take this lead weight and place it behind your right ear and
insert ...
orches: music, dramatic chords
Narrator: Through the night the sabators worked on the bridge. A stone's
throw away on the opposite bank Major Hawkins waited. His face heavy with
concern.
f/x: jungle sounds
Native Girl: Is this what English call ``incompromising position''?
Hawkins: Uncomfortable, I would say. After all, if we were to be caught
now what would people say? Me halfway up a mango tree dressed as ????
and you down there bottling fruit in a plastic kilt? It would never do.
Native Girl: Let us dance
f/x: record playing
Hawkins: What a strange sight we make. Me and her tangoing through the
steaming jungle. The silence only broken by the crackling of knees.
Native Girl: I only had eyes for him. And he only had eyes for me
Hawkins: We fell over a cliff. Listen! I thought I heard a knock on the
jungle door.
f/x: knock
Hawkins: There! Come in, but keep your eyes above waste level.
Coden: Hey Major we've got it. And so are you by the look of it.
Hawkins: Tell me all, Lt.
Coden: The charges are at the base of the bridge. Behind a rock on the
far bank, Field Marshall Eccles is waiting to press the plunger.
Hawkins: Splendid --- stand by with a sack of purple hearts.
U: Look, san --- the sun is rising
Hawkins: I say --- that's worth knowing. Hand my binoculars. Hello --- I
can see Major Barbara and his ???? walking under the bridge.
English??: Well Sir, in ten minutes the first train will be going over.
Barbara: Forty years as a soldier and this bridge is the first really
important thing I've ever done. That's war, I suppose.
General Itchikutchi: Ahh -- good morning, gentlemen. You are both up very
early this morning.
Barbara: Yes, General. There's an old English proverb --- the early bird
catches the worm.
General Itchikutchi: What it mean?
Barbara: It mean, General --- we had worms for breakfast.
f/x: train approaching
General Itchikutchi: Oh! Listen! Oh joy! Listen. it is first Japanese
puff-puff coming for cross bridge. Must go and change into honorable
station master kit. Oh boy! ...
English??: Strange people these Japs, I must say...
Barbara: look --- there just above the water level --- a cable.
English: I wonder who it is from?
Barbara: More to the point ---- who is it for? Let's go down and have a
look.
f/x: footsteps
Hawkins: From our side of the river we watched him.
Coden: He's spotted the cable.
Hawkins: He's got eyes like a hawk.
Coden: And legs like a kangaroo. I wonder what he is going to do?
BP: Join a freak show, sir?
Coden: If he follows that cable he is going to discover Eccles
Hawkins: And the game would be up. We've got to stop him.
Coden: It would mean certain death. We'll draw for it. Lt Burk-Pounding
BP: Sir?
Coden: Write your name on four slips of paper and put them in a hat.
f/x: typewriter
BP: There you are, SIr ---- top and three copies
Hawkins: You --- you draw first
f/x: paper opening
Hawkins: Well, what's the name?
BP: Mrs Shallot Groins, 39 Strain Buildings
Hawkins: We can't send you --- she might make a muck of it. No I'll go. If I
could succeed it would shorten the war by three foot six inches.
BP: Major --- I admire your guts
Hawkins: Are they showing?
Coden: Heh, I'll come with you
Hawkins: Right -- Lt Burk-Pounding, get onto the friendly insurance and
see if you can get a temporary cover note for us.
f/x: splash (two off)
orches: dramatic chords
Barbara: Yes I was right --- there we are. It goes from behind that
rock, three o'clock from that tree.
???: Oh yes --- three o'clock rock. SIr? There's something behind it.
Eccles: Hello Sir.
Barbara: What are you doing here, Field Marshall? Why have you left your
post?
Eccles: It had wood worm in it
f/x: train noises approaching
Eccles: I had better stand by the plunger now
Barbara: Plunger, what plunger?
Eccles: Behind that rock. When the Jap train comes over BOOM!
Barbara: Boom?
Eccles: Yeah
Barbara: You mustn't press it, Field Marshall Eccles
Eccles: I got to
Barbara: If you blow up that bridge the train carrying ammunition and a
thousand Jap troops will explode. Somebody might get hurt.
Eccles: Whose side are you on?
Barbara: A small vegetable shop in Leeds. Now listen. You can't press
that plunger.
Eccles: Yes I can.
Barbara: You can't press that plunger
Eccles: Yes I can
Barbara: No you can't
Eccles: Yes I can
Barbara: No you can't
Eccles (becoming more insistent): Yes I can!
Barbara (breaking into ``Anything you can do'' style): No you can't! No
you can't! No you caaaan't!
f/x: explosion, followed by a bridge and train collasping a river
Eccles (triumphantly): Yes I caaan!!
orches: theme music.
Narrator: And that's how it all ended. Major Barbara shot by Lt Coden, Lt
Coden shot by the Japs, the Japs shot by Major Hawkins, and Major Hawkins
killed by a falling train. The falling train shot by Major Barbara, Major
Barbara shot by Lt Coden.
Hawkins: And to make matters worse, it was half day early closing
orches: play out